It’s another Dear Marcy. Ask her anything and hope she doesn’t answer. …
I was supposed to go to my 25-year class reunion this summer, but it got cancelled due to the pandemic. Instead of meeting up in a hotel ballroom, we are now meeting up on Zoom.
I’m dreading it. I’ve seen myself on Zoom, and it is not a pretty sight. I tend to look jowly, mean, and ten years older than I feel. I mean, I’m pretty cute and peppy IRL.
How on earth do I look cute on this stupid app?
Cuter Than I Look On Camera
Dear Impending Zoom,
Nobody looks good on Zoom. Except cats. But that’s because we have furry faces and pointy ears.
I hate to break it to you, but Zoom was actually invented to make normal people feel insecure and sad about their appearance.
It’s part of the revenge pact all billionaire Silicon Valley guys signed to make up for the fact they spent their high school years covered in acne, playing Dungeons and Dragons in basements, and whining about how girls don’t like boys who wear glasses.
It’s Revenge of the Nerds: 21st Century Edition.
Unfortunately, there is not much to be done since these deleterious dweebs now run our world and are hellbent on filling you with as much self loathing and despair as they felt during their agonizing adolescence.
With that said, you could take the regular “how to look good on Zoom” advice:
- Use natural, front facing light (this prevents you from looking like you belong in a Dateline episode)
- Wear a solid top in a bright color (keeps the attention on you. I recommend fuchsia)
- Do your hair and makeup (blotting powder is your friend since dewey = greasy on Zoom)
- Place the camera at eye level or slightly higher (no one wants to see your boogers)
- Keep a slight smile on your face (smirking lifts up those jowls and eye bags + makes your look deliciously smug)
- Turn off “Enable HD” and turn on “Touch up my appearance” (this is the equivalent of the tech geeks throwing you a bone)
Blah, blah, blah, I know … so boring and predictable.
If all this sounds like too much trouble, get drunk. That’s what everyone does at a 25-year high school reunion.
*Please email Marcy at MarcyVeryMuch@gmail.com if you have a pressing question that needs to be answered by an opinionated cat.