Our recurring feature about those inexplicable manic fashion moments when all of a sudden we have to have a bizarre item of clothing. Immediately. …
(Buying via the affiliate links in this article may result in Marcy and Penelope getting extra treats.)
Cynthia is furtively sneaking packages from the mailbox into the house when Marcy suddenly appears.
Marcy: Watcha got there?
Cynthia shoves the packages behind her back.
Marcy: Doesn’t look like nothing.
Cynthia: Yeah… well… you know…
Marcy: Are you buying more ugly pants?
Cynthia: Oh … I don’t know …
Marcy: What is your fascination with ugly pants?
Cynthia: They’re not ugly!
Marcy: They are! They are actually and literally called … Ugly Pants.
Cynthia: But … they’re cute adorable must-have high-waisted wide-leg crops.
Marcy: They’re unflattering fugly pants that will be out of style soon.
penelope kitten (squeaking): no swearing please. thank u.
Silence as Cynthia and Marcy face off.
Cynthia: They’re trendy.
Marcy: Exactly. In two years, they’ll be outdated. In ten years, everyone will look back at 2019 as the year every woman thought wearing pants that made them look two feet wider and two feet shorter was somehow a great idea. It will be exactly like how we look at low-rise jeans and crop tops now. Utterly horrified. A “what on earth were we thinking” kind of embarrassment.
Cynthia: Which. Is. Exactly why I have to buy and enjoy them now and for the next two years.
Marcy: Ah ha. So you did buy more ugly pants.
Cynthia: Well, they come in so many awesome colors and fabrics. Some have pockets, some have a button fly. Everyone is making them. Anthropologie, Everlane, JCrew, Madewell, Gap. I just don’t want to miss out.
Marcy: You do know these are all knockoffs of the original Jesse Kamm Sailor Pant, right?
Cynthia wrinkles her nose and looks a little guilty.
Marcy: You do know that she filed a complaint against Madewell over this, right? You do know that you are now part of the problem, right?
Silence as Cynthia concentrates very hard to come up with a believable and appropriate answer.
Cynthia: But the Jesse Kamm pant is so expensive. And these –
Cynthia holds up her packages.
Cynthia (excitedly): are all on sale!
Marcy: So basically, you could have bought one pair of Jesse Kamm pants for all seven of the knockoffs you got.
Cynthia: Yes! Besides, can a wide-leg crop pant be copyrighted? I’ve been wearing them since the 3rd grade. And, anyway, didn’t she knock off 1940’s sailor pants?
Marcy: Your justifications are feeble and misguided.
Cynthia (nodding her head seriously): Well, Marcy. I have heard what you you’ve had to say. And, I will consider your judgement.
Cynthia zooms off to put on her new pants.
Cynthia (gleefully): While I’m wearing my new fabulous ugly pants.
Marcy: I’m going to make fun of her mercilessly in ten years. Heh heh heh.
More Ugly Pants (♥,cynthia)